I have my eyes on the burger, but to be safe I ask the person working "If I get one shot at this, what's the one thing I should try?" With no hesitation my man say's "you want the burger, that's why you come here."
The Great Debate: Is A Burger A Sandwich?
*Irons out creases on power pantsuit*
*Taps mic*
Hello, is this thing on? Yes? Ok.
My fellow Americans, I come to you with very important news. You have been LIED TO for too long. I’m afraid I can’t keep my silence any longer.
Some of you think of today as “National Sandwich Day”. While I am a wholehearted believer and supporter of sandwiches, I’m here to stand up for what I believe in. And that is...
*dramatic pause for effect*
A BURGER IS NOT A SANDWICH.
*The crowd whispers frantically in a frenzy of disbelief and outrage*
*A woman in the back of the press room faints*
After much deliberation, I have proof. In a careful study conducted by professional Twitter robot scientists, 72% of people DO NOT consider a burger a sandwich, and the numbers are growing at an alarming rate. The other 28% are completely wrong, and probably do erratic things like go on juice cleanses or refer to full grown cats as kittens (it’s a cat, are you for real??). I am no longer on speaking terms with those in the 28%.
Let me be clear: a sandwich is anything between two slices of bread. Peanut butter and jelly between two slices of bread? Sandwich. Spaghetti between two slices of garlic bread? Sandwich. Bread between two slices of bread? Sandwich. LOOK IT UP!
Many of you interested in counter arguing my truth may feel tempted to consult the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary regarding the word “burger”. There, you will find a completely unhelpful definition reading: “a sandwich similar to a hamburger”. Upon further investigation, you may find “a sandwich consisting of one or more cooked patties of ground meat” constitutes a "hamburger".
There are two important distinctions I would like to make here:
“SIMILAR” does not mean “IS”.
There is a crucial word this definition lacks: BUNS.
You cannot have a burger without a bun. I repeat, you CANNOT have a burger without a bun! Additionally, you also need a patty. Could you put thinly-sliced deli meat in a bun and call it a burger? No. You would call that a sandwich. If you put a ground beef patty between two slices of bread, is it a burger? NO. IT’S A SIGN YOU NEED TO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.
I did my best to bite my tongue while Burger Week participants tried to pass meatballs or pork as burgers. Sure, they were delicious. But they were SANDWICHES. And as my burger passion and cholesterol rises, I must stand up for what is right. My hope is that we can finally rid our world of this injustice and let the truth roar its head onto all future generations to come. Take a good hard look into the mirror, AMERICA, and ask yourself: “Do I really want to keep living a lie?”
You call a spade a spade. It’s time to call a burger a BURGER!
*Rips off pantsuit to reveal cheeseburger undergarments*
*Lights podium on fire*
Thank you. I will not be taking any questions at the moment. For all media requests, please refer to my trusted publicist and confidant, Guy Fieri.
New Nightmare
#NationalCheeseburgerDay: The Holiest of High Caloric Holy Days
Burger Odyssey Day 7: The Grand Finale
My alarm goes off. I can’t figure out where I am because I’m still half-asleep, recovering from the burger-coma of Day 6.
Burger Odyssey Day 5 & 6: I've Made A Huge Mistake
As previously mentioned in Day 4, I am unable to consume a burger week burger during Day 5 due to some schedule conflicts. To cope with the knowledge that I won’t get a burger, I eat a gummy version of one and decide to rate it with my burger week standards.
Burger Odyssey Day 4: Can't spell "salad" without "sad"
Burger Odyssey Day 4: Fatigue
Burger Odyssey Day 3: Just Call Me Patty
10:31 AM: I feel confident. I ended Day 2 on a high note, and now that I finally know who “A” is in Pretty Little Liars, I have high hopes for the day.
10:44 AM: Again, @nnanpei informs me that he cannot do a lunch burger with me. What gives?! For another day, I must embark on my quest alone...
Burger Odyssey Day 2: Mischief Managed
Burger Nuptials
44 hours! The amount of time I went without actively participating in Portland Burger Week. We've been talking about unleashing a burger review site for years and it was finally the right time. I told my friends I'd build the site that would give them a platform to spew their burger nonsense. But I broke their now grease filled hearts...
Burger Week: Knuckle Sandwich
Normally I’d say any contestant that enlists the help of a former food critic from the organization that throws the event is in some sort of murky kickbacking affair, but I don’t know really what that means for burgers, and If there’s some sort of kickback situation going on in the burger world, I want to know how to be a part of it...
Burger Odyssey Day 1: Expendable Toppings
Burger Week: All-Way
2015: A Burger Odyssey
Once upon a time, August was just a really hot month. A month completely devoid of sports that aren’t baseball. A month without any notable holidays, drinking or religious. A month tailor made for Rush Hour sequels. Finally in 2013, out of this bleak, basketball-less wasteland, an oasis emerged: the inaugural Portland Burger Week...
I Had The Burger
The American Dream has always been to move to Portland, Oregon and eat cheeseburgers. In Portland, burgers coarse through our veins, like chunky ooey gooey plasma, and it even shows in our industry. Artisanal ingredients become artisanal burgers, artisanally ingested with clock like efficiency by dreamers who all dream of the same thing. We dream of...