Burger Odyssey Day 4: Can't spell "salad" without "sad"

5:02 AM: Burgers have seeped into my subconscious. I had a nightmare about all of the burger week venues selling out right when I got there. Is the pressure of completing the Burger Odyssey getting to me??

5:04 AM: I go in and out of REM cycle, but I don’t feel truly rested. I will not rest until I eat all of the burgers…

8:34 AM: I lay in bed, thinking I should exercise more, but know deep in my heart that it will never happen. I consider cancelling my gym membership because I haven’t used it in 4 months.

8:35 AM I decide to keep the gym membership just in case.

8:36 AM: My body has not been handling Burger Week well. My skin is breaking out from an increase in grease (that was a rhyme, I hope you appreciated it). I feel groggy and disgusting all the time. If you took a sample of my blood, the results would come back as Meat Positive.

8:37 AM: I consider a juice cleanse, but I think about how terrible it would be to drink all of my meals and feel sad.

8:39 AM: I get out of bed and wash my face with cold water. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. THIS IS BURGER WEEK.  HOW COULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER A JUICE CLEANSE?

8:40 AM: Decide that only eating burgers for a week is a much better life decision. Although I may die young from failed arteries, at least I will die happy. I believe the famed poet Drake sums up my sentiments best with: “#YOLO”


12:00PM: I have a team lunch scheduled for today, and they all want to go somewhere within walking distance. I've already covered all of the spots near our office, so I'm out of suggestions. They decide on Bridgeport Brewery. I refuse to eat a burger at a non-burger week location, so I'll have to order something else (ugh). Not eating a burger for lunch feels wrong, but I’m outnumbered. 

12:04 PM:  Deep down, I’m a little relieved I might eat a vegetable that isn’t doused in burger juice. I’m experiencing a lot of guilt for feeling excited about a vegetable. I don't even know who I am anymore! This isn’t the REAL me. The real me would never crave a vegetable. The real me is a southern girl with her levis on and a cheeseburger heart (don’t mind me, just remixin’ some Jessica Simpson). I feel like I’m going through puberty all over again, except this time it involves more money and less MySpace. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Kelsey.”

12:06 PM: I order a salad. A TOFU salad! WITH KALE. Ugh. :( :( :(


6:36 PM: I need something to redeem my burgerless soul. I decide tonight is the night to get the burger I’ve been looking forward to the most: Knock Back’s “Le Pate Don’t Play”. I’ve never been to Knock Back before, but I like my burgers as bougie as they come. Add in a few ingredients I’ve never heard of before, and I’m SOLD.

6:45 PM: I was good today, you know? I ate a salad and only had like, 3 gummy bears instead of my usual 30… So, I decide to treat myself to a ~fancy~ drink. The daily special is a Frozen Watermelon Paloma. I don’t know what a paloma is, but it sounds like something an Oompa Loompa would make. I’m intrigued.

6:47 PM: I discover that an Oompa Loompa does NOT make these drinks, but instead they just add a bunch of alcohol to a slushie machine. Whatevz, I’ll still take it. The bartender yells out something like “Fire in the hole!” when I order it. Apparently, that’s code for “Watermelon Pamplona”. I like this little secret we have going.

7:13 PM: The burgers arrive. I am a little nervous to bite in because I've highly anticipated this burger, and I’m afraid it won’t live up to my expectations. I warily take a few photographs and then brace myself for the experience…

The Knock Back burger is called “Le Pâté Don’t Play” and features a 7 oz Painted Hills beef patty with two slices of house-made country pâté, herbed chevre, arugula, fennel, and pickled onions with champagne vinaigrette, mustard mayo and sambal spicy mayo. As a fun little addition, they added a chicken croquette onto the top.

  Le  pâté  Don't Play from Knock Back burger

Le pâté Don't Play from Knock Back burger

7:15 PM: Ohhhhhh woooowwww. Yep. Okay. They are right, LE PATE DOES NOT PLAY. They ain’t fuxin' around… This burger is absolutely amazing. This is the one. I think this is what people describe when you ask “how do you know when you’re in love” and they say “when you know you know”. The flavors meld together perfectly, and it’s like the world stopped spinning for a moment. Knock Back took the time and care to craft this one up, and it was very well thought out. I rate it a high 9.5 - the only score matching Church’s Chow Chow burger. I would rate it higher, but I feel like those two burgers must be at a tie because they are two completely different takes on a cheeseburger, and that is what burger week is truly about. This is just the burger I needed after a really difficult Day 3.

7:58 PM: After a really emotional eating experience where I had to hold back my tears of joy, I still feel like I can push myself a little further. It’s kind of like how marathon runners push themselves to run one more mile, except for me I'm just eating cheeseburgers. I need to make up for the lost time when I ate a stupid salad for lunch, so I'm digging deep and going for one more.


8:10 PM: As per usual, Apple maps gets me really lost. I drive past a man who fell asleep while riding a children’s sized bike. I have a lot of questions about this situation, but I also have another burger to get to, so I keep driving.

8:26 PM: This is the latest I’ve ever tried to get a burger week burger. Typically, the places sell out around 7:30PM, if not earlier. I voice my worries, but @Nnanpei is not concerned.

8:36 PM The server tells us that the burger looks small, but is much larger than it appears. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that... ammirite?! The server says it's a pretty filling burger. This makes me a little nervous because I am already a meaty mess, but I order it anyway because I have no self control.

8:37 PM: Can a pizza place REALLY make a good burger? I am about to find out. I see a woman crafting meatballs by hand, and feel like I can put all of my trust into her burger week skills. 

8:41 PM: The East Glisan Pizza burger is a spicy pork meatball on focaccia, with sautéed and pickled onions, melted mozzarella, arugula, and marinara sauce topped off with crispy parmesan cheese frico. This is really just a meatball sandwich disguised as a burger, but it tastes so good I’m not complaining. The meatball has the perfect amount of juiciness, and the mozzarella and marinara compliment it perfectly. I rate this a solid 8.

  East Glisan Pizza Meatball Burger

East Glisan Pizza Meatball Burger

9:00 PM: It’s official. I’m 10 burgers deep and over halfway finished with burger week. I won’t be able to eat any burgers on Friday due to a few complications in my schedule, but I will be back for more all weekend. This was just the refresher I needed to get back on my burger game. I’m ready to finish out strong.